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Magnums (and Things Not to Shout at Me)

October 20, 2013

A couple years ago, I started working at Long’s Drugs part-time to hook up with this hot chick who worked there. Man, her tits were totally slammin’. I was there one day buying some Magnums ’cause I needed to replenish the emergency stash in my Camaro. Whenever I buy rubbers, I make sure to find the hottest cashier and slam them down on the register and go, “You fuckin’ know it” (I even do it if there are no hot cashiers and it’s like some old lady).

So anyway, I slam down my Magnums in front of this chick and go, “Fuck yeah” or whatever I just said I say a second ago, and she goes, “Oh, yeah, right.” Oh, snap! Bam! I went straight to the manager and asked for an application ’cause I knew I was gonna have to prove it to this chick that Hard Brent takes Magnums, and I could see she was gonna be a challenge, so it was gonna take some time. Plus, I just always wanted to work at Long’s Drugs, especially the one by my place (it always smells like a dirty air conditioner, which I think is an aphrodisiac for chicks or something ’cause it smells like the musk of a man).

Anyway, I got the job no problem ’cause I’m ace in job interviews. I could sell a bucket of sea water to a guy on a life raft in the ocean (or some shit; I don’t remember how it goes; that doesn’t even make sense; who the fuck would sail around the ocean looking to sell sea water; plus, that reference isn’t even about job interviews, so what the fuck).

But on my first day on the job, guess what happened? Bam, the chick with the hot titties got fired! Just as I was walking in, she was walking out. I guess they caught her giving expired medicine from the pharmacy that they were throwing away to homeless people or something. That sounds like a noble thing to do. I wanted to mount her while thinking about it to increase the sexual atmosphere with the idea that I’m mounting a woman of nobility, but unfortunately, I never got the chance. I got her address from this other guy Pete who worked there and also tried to get on her. I drove by her house a few times at night to see if she was home, but her lights were always off, so I was like, “Fuck it. She doesn’t deserve to see my Magnums in action anyway.”

I stuck around at the job for a few more months ’cause I discovered there were tons of other hot customers to pick up on. Whenever chicks would buy like tampons and shit, I’d wink at ’em and be like, “Oh yeah. I’m down with the vag” or something cute and funny. Almost got me fired a few times. And then one time this nerdy high school kid came to buy a box of rubbers and kind of snuck them on the counter and I yelled out real loud, “Oh yeah right bro! You can keep this box sealed shut ’cause you ain’t never getting in that vag, son! Am I right folks or what!” I was pretty well received by the customers and my fellow employees.

Everything now and then, though, I’d have some asshole customer who’d try to yell at me and get me mad or something. So here’s my list of the top 5 things not to say to an employee who doesn’t give a shit about the job he’s doing (me). These are all things I heard multiple times a day.

Number 5: “You dropped the ball on this one, buddy!”

This was actually something my boss said to me, not a customer. I forgot to stock the shelves with cotton gauze or some shit and some guy came in with a big head wound and needed gauze but there was none on the shelves. I told my boss, “Nah, I didn’t drop the ball. I was dropping balls… on your wife! Oh yeah!” I tried to high-five the guy with the head wound but he’d passed out on the floor. I think he ended up bleeding to death in his car or something.

Number 4: “I wanna talk to your manager right now!”

Yeah, like I’m gonna let a guy who’s gonna try to get me fired talk to my manager. What an anus.

Number 3: “You just wasted 45 minutes of my time!”

A guy yelled this at me after I told him I’d go in the back room to see if we had any more cat food or some shit but I actually went in the back and took a dump followed by a short nap on the toilet. When I came out, the dude was still waiting by the cat food and totally steaming. Seriously, dude, if you’re standing around waiting for cat food for 45 minutes, your time isn’t worth that much any way.

Number 4: “Thanks a lot, asshole!”

I used to get this one pretty much every other customer. Usually it’d happen after I’d give someone all their change back in pennies ’cause I didn’t feel like opening quarters but I’d drop it all on the floor on their side of the counter and just start ringing the next person up.

Number 5: “You’re not doing your job!”

This one was always my favorite. It’s like people think that’s supposed to be some sort of insult. Why? Why is “doing your job” something to be valued and respected? Who gives a shit? Look, lady, chances are if you’re yelling this at someone ’cause they’re doing a shitty job, they don’t really give enough of a shit about the job in the first place, so why would they give a shit that you’re mad at them for doing a shitty job of something they don’t give a shit about in the first place?

Whoa, I just realized I numbered these 5, 4, 3, 4, 5. Cool.

I feel this has been one of my stronger posts, but not my best.

You fuckin’ know it.


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