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The Most Embarrassing Thing

September 19, 2013

The most embarrassing thing I ever did in my life was jerk off in front of my cat. Just shameful. I’d been in a slump. I hadn’t been laid for like 3 days. Yep, it even happens to good ol’ Hard Brent sometimes. Dry as a bone for a couple days. Let me put things in perspective. Most people probably have a box of condoms they keep in a drawer next to their bed or something, or maybe you keep a few in your wallet. Yeah, like you’re gonna suddenly get laid when you whip out your wallet to buy toothpaste at Walgreen’s. Idiot. Anyway, yeah, most people have a few condoms or a box or for the “ladies man,” maybe even a whole drawer full of rubbers. But ol’ Hard Brent here… well, I’ve got a whole fucking closet full of jimmies… a walk-in closet. I’ve got shelves of these things, literally shelves, and the turnaround on how long it takes me to go through the entire closet is about 6 months I’d guess. That’s right: Hard Brent is fuckin’ constantly. Normally I’d be doing it even as I’m writing this post. Most of the posts I’ve written so far I wrote while at least getting a blowie.

So yeah, I get laid, um, let’s say “quite frequently.” Therefore, a couple days without action is like a year for the average guy with a couple condoms in his wallet who hopes to get lucky with an accidental fuck on the subway or something (or maybe those guys are just waiting for the right chance to do a little rape but wanna be safe about it).

In light of all this, it may not come as a shock that I never jerk off. I haven’t jerked off since 2003, and then I just did it ‘cause I was bored while waiting at the elementary school to pick up this teacher I was about to bone. So when I had to jerk off a few years ago and my cat was just sitting there watching me, man, that was like rock bottom I think. If a dog watches you jerkin’, you can tell he’s thinking like, “Oh, that looks like a good idea. I wish I could do that.” But when it’s your cat, it’s like your mom is watching you or something.

So I’m sittin’ there watching this Japanese porn where this guy mounts the chick from behind and spins around on top of her like a helicopter while still mounted, but my cat’s got me so freaked out, I could barely get it up was barely able to pull the whole thing off.

I hate my cat.

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