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Santa and the Tooth Fairy

February 1, 2013

My faithful readers may have noticed that I didn’t post anything in December or January. Here’s a comical bit of humor and wisdom that I partook in over the Christmas break. Maybe you can share this story with your children next Christmas. I call it, “Santa and the Tooth Fairy.”

I was visiting my sister and her family over Christmas break. My sister has a daughter who’s 5 years old. We’ll call her “Jesus.” That’s not her name, but it’s a good name. I don’t know why more English-speaking people don’t use it. They can get away with it in Spanish-speaking countries, so why can’t we. Fuckers.

Jesus is 7 years old. Jesus lost her first tooth on Christmas Eve. Oh, Lord be praised! So her mom told her to put it under the pillow so the Tooth Fairy would come (I don’t know if you’re supposed to capitalize “Tooth Fairy” since it’s sort of an unofficial title, not the bitch’s name; but I guess we capitalize “The Godfather of Soul” for James Brown, so yeah). Jesus told her mom, “But mommy, what if the Tooth Fairy is here and scares Santa Claus away because Santa doesn’t like people to see him?” And that’s where things got funky…

I told Jesus the following:

If the Tooth Fairy was here when Santa came, he probably wouldn’t mind. Actually, if you think of how many houses Santa visits in a night and how many children there are losing baby teeth every day, I bet Santa and the Tooth Fairy have met many, many times. In fact, they probably meet at least thousands of times just in a single night. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were actually very good friends.

And you know, maybe the whole reason Santa goes around and delivers presents is just so he can get out of the house once a year to get away from that old bitch he lives with to bone down on some fresh, young fairy poon. Think about it, sweetie: Santa’s old-ass wife probably has a stinky-ass conch (spell check changed “cooch” to “conch,” but I like it better as “conch”) and Santa has to get in and plow away on that thing almost every night. Don’t you think he’d get tired of that stank 364 days a year and want just 1 night to get away from it? In fact, I bet he’s got so much sexual aggression pent up that he and the Tooth Fairy do it thousands of times on Christmas Eve. I bet they do it at every single house they meet in right next to the Christmas tree. She’s got those magic wings and he’s got that big slippery belly and beard, so I bet they can get into some crazy shit (plus I wouldn’t be surprised if her jugs are awesome). You know, everyone thinks Santa says “Ho, ho, ho!” ’cause he’s jolly, but maybe that’s just him calling out for the Tooth Fairy when he pulls into a new house. 

I wonder if maybe the Tooth Fairy used to be an elf or another employee at the North Pole. And maybe she and Santa were fuckin’ all the time in the toy workshop and in the sleigh parked in the garage or out in the woods in the Candy Cane Forest ’cause she liked to be had in nature, as God intended. Or maybe they were risk-takers and liked to sneak away to the restroom at Christmas parties and do lines of coke off her titties and wings. And maybe it just got to be out of hand and Santa was spending too many late nights in the “workshop” and Mrs. Claus walked in on the Tooth Fairy riding Santa’s Christmas pole and had a huge fight with a naked Tooth Fairy with her huge natural titties flapping all over. And then Santa was like, “Come on, baby! It’s not what it looks like!” And then Mrs. Claus whooped the Tooth Fairy’s ass and the Tooth Fairy had to leave and find another job, and that’s how she became the Tooth Fairy, ’cause maybe the reason they call her the “Tooth Fairy” isn’t that she collects teeth but because guys used to like to blow their loads across her perfect, pearly white teeth. 

So you see, sweetie, I don’t think you should worry about the Tooth Fairy scaring away Santa tonight. I think you should be more worried about the pile of unidentified bodily fluids we might find next to the Christmas tree tomorrow morning. Nighty-night.

Jesus went to sleep with fear in her eyes at having been exposed to a world which terrified her to the core.

Needless to say, my sister was pretty pissed at me for telling that story, but I feel I did my job as a responsible uncle to keep the mysteries and magic of Santa and the Tooth Fairy alive for young children.

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