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I’m Gonna Take a Man-dump in My Cat’s Litter Box

February 1, 2013

I’m gonna take a dump in my cat’s litter box. I have two reasons.

1) I want to watch my cat’s reaction when he comes prancing in and sees a full-sized man-dump in his box. I want to see the confusion on his face as he wonders where it came from, if maybe he’d gotten up during the night to leave a dump in the litter box and somehow this massive creation had come out of his body without him being awake enough to notice. I hate my cat.

2) I’ll have my kids for the weekend, and it’s their job to clean the litter box when they’re here. It was their stupid idea to get a cat before I divorced their mom (that’s right: I divorced her, not the other way around), so as payback, I’m gonna have them clean up a human dump with them thinking it’s the cats. They’re too dumb to notice the difference anyway. “Wow, daddy! Look at Ricardo Montalban’s poop! It’s massive!” It was my wife’s idea to name him “Ricardo Montalban.” She used to watch “Fantasy Island” as a kid, and I was thinking of naming him “Khan” anyway, so it kind of worked out for me.

We got this stupid cat because my kids and wife wanted it so bad that they disobeyed my commands as master of the household to not go to the humane society (humane? yeah, try cleaning up a man-sized dump after a night of homemade cheese and bean tacos; that’ll show ’em “humane”) and ended up coming home with this little shitbag kitten. But when we got divorced, somehow I ended up with the damn cat, and I’ve been passive-aggressively torturing it ever since. I do things like call his name from a different room, and when he starts wandering towards the room, I shut the door in his face and laugh really loud at him. Or sometimes I’ll put him in my lap and pet him to calm him down, and right when he gets to sleep, I’ll just start screaming and freak him out. Then I’ll bring him back, calm him down, and then start screaming again. I repeat this over and over again for hours of enjoyment. I also do it at random hours of the night sometimes while he’s deep asleep. I don’t think he’s had a good rest in ages, and now he’s gonna see this mystery dump in his litter box and think he’s hallucinating or something.

Anyway, tomorrow’s the day of the surprise man-dump clean up for my kids. I figured I’d lay it down tonight to give it a day to stew and get ripe for them. I think it’ll be surprisingly comfortable to squat in the litter box. I recommend giving it a shot if you’re bored and need something to spice up your life for a change.

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