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Matt, My New Hero

November 30, 2012

I went to Victoria’s Secret the other day with this chick I’m stabbing. She wanted to get some sexy lingerie to spice up our stabbing sessions. I don’t know why chicks think lingerie is what turns a guy on most. Think about it: do guys jerk off to chicks in lingerie or to videos of chicks ridin’ some dude’s giant meat while fully naked and screaming? The latter, obviously. Ergo, the point of lingerie for us it to take it off as quickly as possible so we can poke and bite what’s underneath. Remember that, ladies: if you wanna really turn on a dude, when you go to “change into something more comfortable,” just come back out buck naked with a look in your eyes that says “please stab me right now,” not wearing some cute lingerie with a heart in the middle of the bra. Take that shit off and sit on his meat! But I digress…

While I was at Victoria’s Secret (by the way, Victoria’s real secret is that she’s a skanky tease who tricks women with normal bodies into buying overpriced lingerie that they think makes their tits look bigger and their boyfriends have to pretend to give a shit about), I saw a dude working there. I was surprised, ’cause you know, how comfortable would a woman feel with a dude she doesn’t know talking to her about the size of her jugs and if she finds thongs comfortable and shit? Well, apparently very comfortable, ’cause I talked to this dude named “Matt” and this is what he told me (I’ll paraphrase):

Most of the chicks assume I’m gay at first ’cause I keep myself real clean cut and I’m in good shape, so they’re not that intimidated by me. Plus, I have a big cock, and I totally put out that vibe, so they’re initrigued by this guy who seems gay but has a big cock. Then it’s totally easy to find out if they’re single or not ’cause I just ask what kind of lingerie their boyfriend/husband likes. If they turn out to be single, bam!, I start laying down my moves. “Oh girl, we gotta help you find a man! I know the perfect thing for you. It’ll make you feel so sexy when you wear it, and guys pick up on that confidence and you’ll have ’em lining up. Check this out! Oh my God girl, if you wore that, damn… I know I shouldn’t say this, but if I saw you walking down the street wearing that, I’d stop my brand new Mercedes SL350 and drop my jaw to the floor ’cause damn girl, that is some sexy shit. It’d fit your body type perfect and accentuate everything in all the right places.” I keep talking to ’em like this, and at least half the time I end up with her phone number for a date, she wears the shit she bought at the store ’cause she wants to show it to me, and bam!, another notch on the belt. If the chick is married or has a boyfriend, it takes some more investigation, but I’ve totally hooked up with tons of chicks that way. Actually, a lot of times, those chicks are here to buy something because their husband or boyfriend isn’t paying them enough attention and they wanna turn him on, which means they’re not getting any cock, which makes them totally easy game. I’ve even hooked up with some of those chicks in the dressing rooms! They don’t wanna have a full-on affair, but they’re lonely, horny, no one tells them they’re sexy anymore, they’re bored, and I put out the vibe about my big cock and that I know how to use it, so a one-time-only dressing room poke fits their situation perfectly. I have them try on a bunch of shit, bone in the dressing room, then they end up buying all the shit and I get a huge sale!

Clearly Matt has it figured out. Dude was so badass he even had me wanting to try on some lingerie and get reamed by him in the dressing room. I salute you, sir. You have found your place in this world and are bringing joy to dozens of different women every month.

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