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Out of Order My Ass

November 3, 2012

I went down to Taco Champ today for my weekly Saturday morning Taco Champ Chicken and Dark Bean Surprise with Special Champ Sauce. Motherfuckers were out of the sauce and the dark bean surprise, so I had to get the inferior Champ Master Solid Sauce Soft Shell Breakfast. It was a fucking disgrace. It seriously tasted like someone had shit on a plate, left it out in the hot Arizona sun for 5 hours and 22 minutes, put it back in the fridge for several hours, brought it down to Mexico and let homeless children spit chewed up cat shit all over it, chilled it in the fridge for 30 minutes, brought it up to Wisconsin (in a cooler, of course), mixed it with some snow that a moose had pissed all over, flown it back to Arizona (with no cooler this time, of course), put it in the fridge for 4 hours, thawed it out in the microwave, and put it on my plate. Fucking Taco Champ and their Champ Master Solid Sauce Soft Shell Breakfast.

Anyway, I was so pissed off and had such a stomach ache from their ass wash morning breakfast that I went to use their lavatory (I say “lavatory” because it makes what I did there sound more dignified). The lavatory had one stall, one urinal, and a sink. The toilet in the stall had a giant log that stretched all the way from the bottom of the bowl to sticking out about 4 inches above the water. The urinal was completely covered in a big trash bag with a sign that said “Out of Order” in handwriting like a 3rd grader had written it, and I noticed that it looked like someone had pissed all over it perhaps in defiance of the log in the toilet. The sink was just a stupid fucking sink, just sitting there being a fucking asshole guy.

So I had to seriously drop this breakfast out my ass or it was coming out in my drawers. I wasn’t going near the stall with the epic turd sticking out, so it was either the out of order urinal or the sink. I saw them shit in the sink in “Bridesmaids,” so I thought that wouldn’t be original enough and decided to spray my splatter all over the out of order urinal, which I did with vigor and pride. I figured I could one-up the asshole who’d already pissed on it earlier that morning. I painted the “Out of Order” sign and garbage bag with a fine mist of diarrhea spray and small chunks of stuff that got drawn into the jet blast that was emanating from my pulsating anus.

Just as I stepped out of the lavatory (yep, still calling it that), another gentleman went in and almost immediately let out a terrible shriek apparently when he saw and smelled the horror within. As I was stopped at the condiments counter to grab a few packets of salt & pepper and ketchup, I noticed the man talking with one of the good employees of Taco Champ and looking in my direction. I started to leave the establishment and the employee called out, “Sir, did you defecate on the toilet that’s out of order in the mens’ restroom”?

I yelled over my shoulder back at him and said, “Out of order my ass!” I promptly got in the Iroc-Z I’m borrowing from a friend, turned up the Poison, and jammed the fuck out of there.

I guess I gotta find a new taco joint for my Saturday mornings…

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