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How to Really Sell Soap

October 12, 2012

I tried a new body soap yesterday. Some new shit by Dove. Dove always brands their soap as being creamy and milky, but do you know how horrible you’d smell if you washed yourself with milk? If I get milk dried in my mustache, it smells like ass for the rest of the day. I can’t imagine how my crack would smell if I had dried milk in it all the time. Gross.

Soap commercials always show people washing their pits and upper bodies with a thick lather of the soap. Then they show people drying off with a warm towel to indicate cleanliness.

What they really should show is a man and his lady getting intimate. The man indicates to his lady that he’d like her to go down on his junk, but she resists. He inquires as to the reason. She says it’s because his junk stinks.

Then they show the dude vigorously scrubbing his crotch with a new soap in the shower. No thick, milky lather or anything. Just a guy vigorously scrubbing his front side with a big bar of soap and an old washcloth. And the little box the soap came in is on a shelf in the shower to show the product name ‘cause the dude for some reason opens new boxes of soap inside the shower instead of opening them  outside and throwing away the box like a normal human.

The next day, the man and his lady are getting intimate again, and he tries to make her nub his junk again, and again, she resists. But then he’s like, “Come on, baby. I think this time you’ll be pleasantly surprised.” She acquiesces , goes down, and comes back up a few seconds later and says, “Honey, your balls don’t smell like ass anymore! What happened?”

And the guy just smiles at the camera and laughs.

Then it shows the name of the soap, “Milky Lux Delight” or some shit, and the announcer says, “Got stinky-ass balls? Try Milky Lux Delight. It’ll clean the gunk off your junk.”

Then they show the dude going to the neighbor’s to borrow sugar, and the neighbor is totally hot and wearing something pink with a cute phrase on it like “Yummy” or “Princess” or something. As the dude is leaving, he tells her, “Hey, I just started using this new soap, by the way. Milky Lux Delight.” The neighbor’s face is all surprised and enamored ’cause she knows that means the dude’s balls are clean and shiny. She looks at the camera, smiles, winks, and you totally know she’s gonna be on his junk sometime later.

The end.

Now that’s a soap I would buy.


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